A Conversation on How the IRS Pigeonholes Mothers

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/04/04/opinion/lean-in-what-about-child-care.html?smid=fb-share&_r=0

HOW THE IRS HURTS MOTHERS, is the actual title of this. While the author's motivation is for women to stay or get back into the workforce, I think this is an important issue because many women don't have the range of choices that they ideally could.
For most mothers, the idea of working beyond the home front is an "all or nothing" idea. Between the cost of childcare and the meager wages available in part time positions, college educated women either have to decide to get a "good" job which means high pay and an absurd work schedule or not work. And really, its incredibly discriminatory that childcare costs aren't a business expense. I found these things out the "hard" way when I became self-employed.
I have an amazing working husband and I am the childcare provider. But, my long term financial security entirely rests on him. That's fine for us because I trust him (and God :)) 100%. But that's an awfully precarious situation for society as a whole with a 50% divorce rate!
Ideally (in my perspective), a parent should have the largest burden of raising children but, if college educated, still have some outlet for staying "credible" in their field. There aren't many professions where this is possible. I have friends who are registered nurses and can be per diem at a hospital and only work occasionally. And I know a few pharmacists who can work very part-time, but there aren't too many lines of work in which that's possible. At least where the pay being brought in makes it worthwhile to juggle the duality of work and family.
I'd really love to hear from moms in every generation on this. Is your current lifestyle/work situation dictated by the economics of childcare costs and absurd (salaried) work schedules?

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's out there, whether your kids are in your arms, out your door, or just a dream conceived in your heart. I am becoming overwhelmingly convinced with each passing day that motherhood is a huge and high calling that has been undermined by our culture. We need to "take it back" and celebrate it as the important career that it is!

Happy Mother's Day to my mom. She goes by the name "Dani" to her Mocha Drop grandkids, but she'll always be my mama. She's one of the hardest working, determined, loving, and generous women I know. She gives so much of her time and energy to all of us and we could not imagine how our world would "keep on spinning" without her help. We love you, Mama Dani :)

It's been a nice Mother's Day for me. Mogi-boy made me a card and gift at preschool, which was my first homemade gift from him! And Hubs took me and the kids out for a yummy meal, which we NEVER do given the high octane level of Mogi. But, it was great.

Today, in addition to Mother's Day, AJ is 6 months old and Mogi 23 months! Time is flying. I've got some more "Two Under Two" posts rolling around in my head, so I better get them writtin before he's no longer "under two"!

Mothers of Miscarriage Survey

Over at Muddy Mamas Ashlee is putting together information from moms who have walked through miscarriage in order to help friends and family know what to say/do (and not say/do) and also to help women who are currently grieving. If you've been through a miscarriage, like so many of us have, please hop over there and complete the survey. Its three or so posts down the page. Thank you!

http://muddymamas.blogspot.com/

These Children I Love

I love my babies so very much. They are growing up so quickly and I am grasping at making the most of each day and cherishing it. Lots of hugs, kisses, snuggles, and praying that I would be the mom God has called and crafted me to be in each teachable moment. Here's a few pics of my darlings that I thought the world should see.

Those cheeks and big eyes get me every time

This one reminds me of my younger brother so much at the same age. We're really close in age so I don't know if its actual memories I have or just from pictures, but I see "Uncle Fff-lup" in his face!

Mogi is nothing if he's not full of energy and joy and playfulness. This picture captures his personality so well.

How could I not share this picture? He's just a shockingly beautiful child. Some day girls are going to be smitten with him and I pray that he would grow to be a man of self-control that would chose to honor women and save himself (heart, soul, and being) for the one that God has chosen to be his bride.

AJ has a captivating smile, even at 4 months old, but its hard to catch it on film. This one catches a bit of her cheerfulness.

Her personality may be limited at her young age, but it is distinctive and so different than her big brother's. She loves to cuddle and feel safe and get lots of eye contact. (Big brother was happiest have something to explore and being on the move.)

A little quality cuddle time with her Dani Ali. She's a true snuggle bug and would be okay being held every moment of the day. I pray that she would grow to know and love Jesus as her Lord and Savior and that she would treasure being held in the palm of His hand.

What are your prayers for your children? And what aspects of their personality do you revel in?

Struggle Out Loud

Have you been going through some type of struggle lately, or maybe for years? Is it a "secret" struggle, one you keep only to yourself or share with a select few people? is it a "little" struggle? One you convince yourself you don't need to trouble anyone else about? Is it a "pervasive" struggle? One that you're convinced will always trouble you and nothing anyone else does will help you overcome it?

Here's why I ask: we all have struggles. Every. single. one. of. us. Whether Christian or not, male or female, young or old, you get the idea, we all have struggles. The difference is, will we gain victory over our struggle or will it gain increasing control over us?

I have become increasingly convinced that when we sit in silence and fail to admit our struggles and reach out to others WE AFFORD THE ENEMY OF OUR SOULS A FOOTHOLD INTO OUR HEARTS THAT CANNOT BE REMOVED UNTIL WE SPEAK ALOUD WHAT TROUBLES US.

Yes, I yelled that. Because the God of Heaven and Earth has been yelling it to me lately. And I have seen the truth of it over and over again in my own life and the lives of those I love.

Quit struggling in silence. I say this especially to my brothers and sisters in Christ, speak up! Silence allows the enemy to use the treacherous tools of fear, guilt and shame against us in ways that would not be possible if we would turn to others in the Church, the body of Christ, and speak our struggles and allow them to speak the truth of the Word over our lives.

I'll "tell" on myself.

I've been struggling with some loneliness lately. At times the sense of being alone will wash over me in a wave. Sometimes it moves beyond that and my mind begins to think "Do I have any friends? I never see anyone, never go anywhere, no one ever calls..."

If I don't catch the lies that are spinning in my head, it turns into quite a pity party that can grow out of control. But, on my own, in my own little head, its easy to miss the truth.

The truth is: if I'm in the will of God and following Christ's call on my life than He needs to be enough and I need to seek HIM more and ask Him to fill the longings of my heart. But, if something has gotten off track- maybe I'm getting consumed with my job and not taking the time to rest and enjoy relationships like I should- then after seeking wisdom from the Lord I should reach out to friends and spend some time enjoy the relationships in my life.

Unfortunately, the story in my head got left a little too long and started down the pity party route. I could have prevented that in a number of ways. I could have said something to Hubs. "I've really been feeling lonely today. I don't know what's going on but would you ray for me and spend a few extra minutes before you leave for work?"  I could have said something to a number of people in my life, but I let it fester. And, in all honesty, in turned into an ugly little meltdown a week or so later. One innocent statement by a person I love set me into a tailspin. But, of course, they had no idea I was hurting because I'd never spoken the words!

STAYING SILENT WON'T MAKE IT GO AWAY OR LESSEN THE PAIN.

I got to thinking tonight about the poor in my community and wondered how many people in my church were suffering, really suffering from the economic downturn or other reasons. The truth is, I have no idea! We have a committee that handles providing help when people have needs. But, truth be told, isn't there a sort of shame associated with having financial needs, of being poor? is that Biblical? [Shame is never from God. He uses 'tactics' like remorse to cause us to see our shortfalls and act differently in the future. The enemy wants to use shame to keep us trapped in the past.]

What would happen in my church, in your church, if we refused to give into the shame and members stood and spoke of their financial needs? What would we look like to the rest of the community when church members compassionately gave to one another in need? How would the opportunities to be a witness to the Gospel of Jesus Christ increase? I believe it would be revolutionary. After all, isn't that what it means to be a body? To come to the aid of each other?

So, after my mini-meltdown, I contacted a few friends to ask for their prayers. I told them I'd been struggling with some loneliness and would appreciate their prayers for wisdom as to the source of it; was it a spiritual attack or a genuine need to make some lifestyle changes. And you know what? Each one of them told me they'd experienced or were in the midst of experiencing the same struggle. Those who had overcome shared how and what they did. Those in the midst shared words of truth that others had spoken over them. But, each of us were built up and encouraged.

We got to see 1 Corinthians 10:13 in action.

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. "

I could repeat this story over and over. When I shared with a Bible study group that I was being bombarded by guilt as a new mom each woman shared that they had the same experience and it WAS A COMMON TEMPTATION.

When I began to speak about my miscarriage openly, the fear that come with the loss began to melt away, and others were able to share their own stories of loss and find healing.

I urge you today, if you are weighed down under a "secret" struggle, speak. Not to groan and complain, but to speak truth and allow others to speak truth over you!!!

Two Under Two: Today's Reality

Note: This post was started on the 11th of February, but not finished until the 24th. We're all better now :)


Well, as usual, there's never a "dull" moment in our household. We've been dealing with what I call "the plague" for over a week. Mogi got sick first. He had what seemed like an innocent runny nose, I thought due to teething. But, the runny nose led to serious nasal congestion which led to chest congestion and a cough. So, we took him to the doctor and found out he had double ear infections and RSV. Oh boy! No wonder he was in such a world of hurt. If you're not familiar with RSV its a nasty respiratory virus that is harder to deal with in young children and older adults and can require breathing treatments.

We were concerned about baby girl getting sick and the doctor said it was too late to protect her. Between the incubation period and the fact that its airborne, he said that she'd most likely already come in contact with it. And how right he was. The next day she started showing symptoms. On Thursday she visited the doctor and tested positive for RSV. Thankfully she's had mostly nasal congestion and not so much of the chest-raking coughing that Mogi has. But, I did take her back to the doctor again yesterday and found out she now has an ear infection. Yikes! The local pharmacist and I are going to be on a first name basis very soon.

But along with sick kids, Hubs and I have also had our share of illness. Mine started Tuesday night with a fire-burning sore throat which came with some chills, aches, and an on again/ off again low grade fever. Friday I started feeling better and then that night got hit with cold symptoms full force. This morning I have horrible pressure behind on ear and can't hear very well. My self diagnoses is strep throat, a cold, and an ear infection. Hopefully I'll find a way to get to the doctor tomorrow and see what I can do to get well.

Hubs is a basket case of low grade fevers, sore throat and painful chest congestion...

Of course no one likes to be sick and we especially hate to see our children sick, but I've been a bit more bummed about all this for a rather selfish reason. I had just started to get back into a "groove" with my research when all this kicked off. And now I'm wondering how long it will take me to figure out where I was and get forward momentum again once we're all well...

But, I'm trying to keep in my mind a quote from a Bible study I'm doing these days. It's by James MacDonald entitled "Lord, Change My Attitude". So far, it is awesome. I am learning so much and being confronted by so many areas of my self that I need to work on and conform to the example of Jesus.

The first week of study talks about Complaining. Here's the quote:
"All the grace and strength you need to experience joy and victory are available to you; but by choosing to complain, by clinging to the idol of a perfect life, you are flushing away the grace of God."

Wow! Did that slap you upside the head like it did me the first time I read it? I wanted to jump out of my chair and say "What? Idol of a perfect life?? Wait, what??" Because until then I
1) hadn't realized I was trying to design a perfect life and
2) hadn't thought of it as idolatry.

But, all of a sudden the truth was glaring. Yes, life has ups and downs. We get sick. We are heart broken. But, they're not just things to get past and overcome. There is living to be done in them. God purposed them for His reasoning and my good.

And I admit I have so much left to learn. So much of my attitude needs to change. Just this morning when baby girl woke at 2am and needed fed, which is very unusual for her, I had a rotten attitude about it. I was frustrated that I haven't slept a good nights sleep in weeks and aggravated that Hubs was fast asleep while I fed her. It was not pretty.

So, here's my prayer:
"Lord, change my attitude. Make me more like You. Show me when my attitude is contrary to Your ways and allow me the grace to make it what it should be. Humbly yours."

New Year, Bigger Family

I'll just briefly say how very aware I am that I haven't written in FOREVER, but I have a wonderful "excuse"- pregnancy and a newborn!

The last few months of my pregnancy were as exhausting as ever and any moment I had I spent with my family or sleeping. I should say, trying to sleep. From 9pm to almost 1am every night baby girl would get incredibly active. It was impossible to sleep.

Despite all that, we welcomed AJ to the world on November 8th at 4:22am.

I don't know if the circumstances of her birth are a foreshadowing of the future, but I'll just say it was a bit dramatic. Labor was very short and fast and if it took us 5 minutes longer to get to Labor and Delivery she'd have been born in the car. (I'll spare you additional details!)

A very "cool" thing is some of the similarity in Mogi's birth and AJ's.
1. Both were born on a Monday.
2. Both Monday's were on the 8th of the month.
3. Both of those Mondays I had doctor's appointments scheduled.
4. In both cases an induction was imminent, but in neither case was it my first choice.

Both kids look a lot alike, except AJ is this tiny wisp of a girl and Mogi has been a hulk of a boy from day one. When the nurse handed her to me I almost had to ask if she was "okay" because she seemed so itty-bitty compared to her Big, big brother. But by God's grace she was and is in perfect health.

We're settling into life as a family of four. Each day is easier, just as it is when you have #1. AJ is sleeping a wonderful stretch at night and has a more predictable routine during the day. Mogi, although seemingly unaware of his new sister at first, began to experience a whole new range of emotions and had a challenging time for a while. He still seems to be in full-on toddler hood and all that brings, but the emotional swings and jealousy are easing.

I won't lie, caring for two children who are both so young and needy can have impossible moments- like when they both awake from naps at the same time, crying, hungry and with dirty diapers- but I have a great sense of joy from both of them and am glad they are close in age and will grow up as friends and playmates. When AJ coos or smiles, Mogi wants so much to "play" with her and I look forward to them both being at a stage where they can.

But, I'm also enjoying the "right now". I love having AJ close by and am in no rush for her to exit the baby stage. She has a laid back, pleasant personality and takes most things in stride. And Mogi is learning so many things so rapidly these days. Its fun and exciting to hear him call things by name and use words that he's only just learned. His vocabulary is expanding quickly. He's all boy- too rough on his toys, wants to throw objects and climb on furniture and would stay outside all day (if only his mom and sister could bear the cold!)

Here's a family picture on Christmas Eve. (AJ is in desperate need of a nap and we've kept her awake to get pictures. Oops.)

As we develop our routines and schedules, I hope to make time for blogging more regularly!

Miscarriage: Two Years Later

Unless you've read every post in this blog or I've shared it in conversation, you may not know that I am in my third pregnancy, carrying our second-soon-to-be-born child. What? Why, that means we lost a child along the way. It was our first pregnancy and our loss happened two years ago.

Two years ago means I have a bit more distance and perspective on it, I guess. I went back and re-read my October 8, 2008 post and couldn't help the tears that rolled down my face. It's sad. It was. It will be.

My hope in writing this is that other couples may be comforted a bit by our story and that I won't forget what I learned through all of it.

At the time, I felt very alone in our loss. Miscarriage isn't a topic of common conversation. It never comes up in mixed company and I've mainly only heard it discussed post-loss, when prayer requests are being shared for someone. But, many times when a loss happens very early in pregnancy most couples may not even have shared their pregnancy publicly, so to share the news of a miscarriage may feel incredibly awkward... hence, there ends up being a good bit of isolation.

If you're reading this and have had a miscarriage or are in the midst of one, please know you're not alone in your loss. Many women and couples have experienced what you are going through. Our stories and pain are different, but you don't have to be alone in your journey. And its okay to talk about your loss, even if you cry or you think other people may feel "awkward" hearing you share.

I talk about miscarriage now. Not like a public speaker or anything, but I bring it up in conversation. I mention the fact that we experienced miscarriage. I talk about how common it is. I say that my first child was lost and it was a deeply painful experience that changed me.

I'm not looking for a "Girl Scout" badge on miscarriage or pity or anything. I just want people to know its okay to talk about.

So, two years later...

I would never a million times over chose to have had a miscarriage. I believe in the providence and sovereign control of God, but even so I don't begin to think I can explain God's purpose in miscarriage. My only comfort is that this same God willingly allowed His own Son's sacrifice for the redemption of all humanity, so he knows a thing or two about loss and grief.

I did receive a gift from our miscarriage, though. A priceless gift about motherhood. It was simply this: The fear that overwhelmed me in the face of losing my child could either grip me for the rest of my life or I could chose to overcome it. Because, honestly, motherhood allows daily, even hourly, opportunities for fear. The worst and greatest fear is losing a child, whether in utero or at some later point.

Faced with the reality that from here on out I could be constantly consumed by fear and the "what ifs" that motherhood brings, I chose to not let fear win. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to have learned this. I can't imagine how much joy would be robbed from my life if every day was a struggle with fear.

Are you struggling with fear right now? The "what ifs" of motherhood? Whether it is an unborn child or a teenager heading to high school, may I encourage you to do all that is in your realm of responsibility as a mother and then step back and trust the sovereign Hand of God? Liberate yourself from the shackles of fear. I know you won't regret it.

Philippians 4:4-7

'Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. '