A Conversation on How the IRS Pigeonholes Mothers

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/04/04/opinion/lean-in-what-about-child-care.html?smid=fb-share&_r=0

HOW THE IRS HURTS MOTHERS, is the actual title of this. While the author's motivation is for women to stay or get back into the workforce, I think this is an important issue because many women don't have the range of choices that they ideally could.
For most mothers, the idea of working beyond the home front is an "all or nothing" idea. Between the cost of childcare and the meager wages available in part time positions, college educated women either have to decide to get a "good" job which means high pay and an absurd work schedule or not work. And really, its incredibly discriminatory that childcare costs aren't a business expense. I found these things out the "hard" way when I became self-employed.
I have an amazing working husband and I am the childcare provider. But, my long term financial security entirely rests on him. That's fine for us because I trust him (and God :)) 100%. But that's an awfully precarious situation for society as a whole with a 50% divorce rate!
Ideally (in my perspective), a parent should have the largest burden of raising children but, if college educated, still have some outlet for staying "credible" in their field. There aren't many professions where this is possible. I have friends who are registered nurses and can be per diem at a hospital and only work occasionally. And I know a few pharmacists who can work very part-time, but there aren't too many lines of work in which that's possible. At least where the pay being brought in makes it worthwhile to juggle the duality of work and family.
I'd really love to hear from moms in every generation on this. Is your current lifestyle/work situation dictated by the economics of childcare costs and absurd (salaried) work schedules?

KABOOM! There went naptime...

Funny story. Well, okay, not funny, but I tell myself it is so I can stay sane.

The kids and I met up with some other mommy friends and they're kids at the park today for lunch and some playtime. It was beautiful, but sunny and hot. We stayed longer than I had planned and got home almost an hour later than Mogi usually goes down for a nap. And...when we pull into the driveway I see that he's asleep.

But, AJ, she's "talking" away. She'd taken a short nap at the park and apparently was feeling vocal.

I get both the kids in the house and Mogi in his bed without too much disturbance. I feed AJ and lay her in her crib 30 minutes later hoping she'll take the hit and fall asleep. Well, she doesn't. She swings back and forth between delighted squeals and frustrated cries, and I keep going in to try and get her to lower the volume.

She finally gets quiet and no more than 30 minutes later Mogi awakens. He's upset and I put him on the toilet thinking he has to potty and return him to bed. But, he's made so much noise...

Yes, you guessed it... AJ's awake again. And then 15 minutes later Mogi's awake as well.

Wow. Sure glad I don't attempt to be productive during naps. Oh wait, I do. I'm trying to get a PhD!

The end result was me having an extra cup of coffee at 4pm and EARLY BEDTIMES!!

Have any crazy naptime stories you'd love to share???

Struggle Out Loud

Have you been going through some type of struggle lately, or maybe for years? Is it a "secret" struggle, one you keep only to yourself or share with a select few people? is it a "little" struggle? One you convince yourself you don't need to trouble anyone else about? Is it a "pervasive" struggle? One that you're convinced will always trouble you and nothing anyone else does will help you overcome it?

Here's why I ask: we all have struggles. Every. single. one. of. us. Whether Christian or not, male or female, young or old, you get the idea, we all have struggles. The difference is, will we gain victory over our struggle or will it gain increasing control over us?

I have become increasingly convinced that when we sit in silence and fail to admit our struggles and reach out to others WE AFFORD THE ENEMY OF OUR SOULS A FOOTHOLD INTO OUR HEARTS THAT CANNOT BE REMOVED UNTIL WE SPEAK ALOUD WHAT TROUBLES US.

Yes, I yelled that. Because the God of Heaven and Earth has been yelling it to me lately. And I have seen the truth of it over and over again in my own life and the lives of those I love.

Quit struggling in silence. I say this especially to my brothers and sisters in Christ, speak up! Silence allows the enemy to use the treacherous tools of fear, guilt and shame against us in ways that would not be possible if we would turn to others in the Church, the body of Christ, and speak our struggles and allow them to speak the truth of the Word over our lives.

I'll "tell" on myself.

I've been struggling with some loneliness lately. At times the sense of being alone will wash over me in a wave. Sometimes it moves beyond that and my mind begins to think "Do I have any friends? I never see anyone, never go anywhere, no one ever calls..."

If I don't catch the lies that are spinning in my head, it turns into quite a pity party that can grow out of control. But, on my own, in my own little head, its easy to miss the truth.

The truth is: if I'm in the will of God and following Christ's call on my life than He needs to be enough and I need to seek HIM more and ask Him to fill the longings of my heart. But, if something has gotten off track- maybe I'm getting consumed with my job and not taking the time to rest and enjoy relationships like I should- then after seeking wisdom from the Lord I should reach out to friends and spend some time enjoy the relationships in my life.

Unfortunately, the story in my head got left a little too long and started down the pity party route. I could have prevented that in a number of ways. I could have said something to Hubs. "I've really been feeling lonely today. I don't know what's going on but would you ray for me and spend a few extra minutes before you leave for work?"  I could have said something to a number of people in my life, but I let it fester. And, in all honesty, in turned into an ugly little meltdown a week or so later. One innocent statement by a person I love set me into a tailspin. But, of course, they had no idea I was hurting because I'd never spoken the words!

STAYING SILENT WON'T MAKE IT GO AWAY OR LESSEN THE PAIN.

I got to thinking tonight about the poor in my community and wondered how many people in my church were suffering, really suffering from the economic downturn or other reasons. The truth is, I have no idea! We have a committee that handles providing help when people have needs. But, truth be told, isn't there a sort of shame associated with having financial needs, of being poor? is that Biblical? [Shame is never from God. He uses 'tactics' like remorse to cause us to see our shortfalls and act differently in the future. The enemy wants to use shame to keep us trapped in the past.]

What would happen in my church, in your church, if we refused to give into the shame and members stood and spoke of their financial needs? What would we look like to the rest of the community when church members compassionately gave to one another in need? How would the opportunities to be a witness to the Gospel of Jesus Christ increase? I believe it would be revolutionary. After all, isn't that what it means to be a body? To come to the aid of each other?

So, after my mini-meltdown, I contacted a few friends to ask for their prayers. I told them I'd been struggling with some loneliness and would appreciate their prayers for wisdom as to the source of it; was it a spiritual attack or a genuine need to make some lifestyle changes. And you know what? Each one of them told me they'd experienced or were in the midst of experiencing the same struggle. Those who had overcome shared how and what they did. Those in the midst shared words of truth that others had spoken over them. But, each of us were built up and encouraged.

We got to see 1 Corinthians 10:13 in action.

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. "

I could repeat this story over and over. When I shared with a Bible study group that I was being bombarded by guilt as a new mom each woman shared that they had the same experience and it WAS A COMMON TEMPTATION.

When I began to speak about my miscarriage openly, the fear that come with the loss began to melt away, and others were able to share their own stories of loss and find healing.

I urge you today, if you are weighed down under a "secret" struggle, speak. Not to groan and complain, but to speak truth and allow others to speak truth over you!!!

Wrapping It Up

Ugh, I haven't written much over the last week, but my days have been really full. And a bit chaotic. And by the time I get to this hour of the night (9pm) the only thing I can think straight about is cookie dough ice cream and getting some sleep.

But, I do have some recipes to share that we enjoyed last week, and some thoughts on my next phase of school/research, and some antics about being a mama to "mocha drops", but not tonight.

So, stay tuned. I've got a few more rough days and then things should smooth out a bit and I can write something interesting... well, that's the hope anyway : )

Crunch Time

The end of the semester is nearing for me. That means that "crunch time" is upon me and all the responsibilities of my life are about to converge. My hope is to gracefully emerge from the next few weeks with my sanity, grades, and marriage relationship intact, but that isn't always the case.

The end of last semester, which also coincided with the end of my first trimester of pregnancy, didn't go so well. I got all the work done, but barely preserved my sanity in the process.

Tomorrow's the 19th and in 10 days I have to give a presentation for my only on-campus class. It's not a big presentation, just 15 minutes, and there's no paper to write, so in the grand scheme of things, its not so bad. But, there is a ton of research to be done for the project I am presenting, regardless of its length. I have 20 journal articles to pour over and gather research for a meta-analysis. The data gathering alone may take me an hour for each article, so maybe 20 hours. And then there's running results and putting together the presentation, probably another 20 hours. Now, if I were on campus for 40 hours a week I could have it done by Friday without too much hassle. But, such is not the life I have chosen, or have access to.

I have a sitter scheduled for two 3-hour blocks this week; it's summer semester and the pickings are slim. I may be able to get her to come for another block depending on what the end of the semester is like for her. And Hubs may be able to help some when he's home Friday, depending on what his own schedule looks like. So, I may get 15 hours of child care covered.

Any other time I find to work will have to be during naptime. I could say that I'll do some work after the Mogi boy is in bed, but being pregnant, that just isn't realistic. Especially if I've been chasing him all day as primary caregiver, demolition stopper, and feeding machine. It's a lot more likely that when he goes to bed I'll crash on the couch with a bowl of ice cream and then go to bed myself.

Oh, did I mention he's teething? The last few days have been overly demanding, compared to his usual personailty. Things I could usually distractic him from and he'd find something new to play with have been rationale for full-scale, lose-your-cool meltdowns. And the clinginess factor is way up.

So, although I said naptimes were when I'll be studying, they are unlikelikely to be as productive as hoped for several reasons: 1) Naps can be a lot less predictable when teething is involved. Two hour naps can become 1 hour naps and naps can be boycotted altogether. 2) The mom guilt factor skyrockets when he's teething and I hate to leave him with someone else. I know, I know, guilt is self-defeating, But, none-the-less, its an emotional battle that takes a toll on me. 3) By the afternoon naptime the likelihood that I need a nap  increases 20-fold during teething season.

So, wish me luck. Pray that the grace of God be upon me. That I have the physical strength to care for my son, keep our house running, and get my research done. And that when I do research I am amazingly productive! Oh yeah, and when I reach the other side of this project that I don't owe my husband a thousand apologies for being cranky and short-tempered!!

Dos (Babe Numero Dos)

Not that it's any of your business, but YES, this child was a well-calculated, intended plan on our part. : )

The kids will be nearly 17 months apart in age. Having grown up with my brother just 16 months younger than me, it wasn't a scary idea. And, Ro's siblings are all close in age, all 7 of them. So, we liked the idea of kids growing together, being playmates, having similar friends, etc... Plus, we're no "spring chickens", so the throught of waiting years only to do the whole pregnancy/newborn phase again made me not so happy. If I'm this tired now, how tired will I be at 35? And as my best friend points out, as far as obstetrics is concerned, I'm almost considered a geriatric! Yikes, isn't that comforting.

We find out in 2 weeks if we're having a boy or girl. Part of me wanted to keep it a surprise until delivery day and part wanted to know immediately. But, we will be finding out. Hubster can't bear the thought of not knowing if we are able to find out.

Of course, I've been sorting through the "what do we need to buy in order to have two little ones?" From the top of my scattered memory, here's what I've come up with.
1) A double stroller. Yes, this is first on my list. I stroll Ramogi everywhere because as his first birthday approaches, so does the 30 pound mark. He's built like a brick and will barely be walking when Dos arrives. I've decided on the Sit N' Stand Double. If you're investigating, they have the original, the double, and the double plus. The Double is actually more spacious than the Double Plus- go figure. The back seat eventually removes so the platforms can be used for standing or sitting as kids grow. I think this will let us use it for the longest period of time. Its reasonably priced (for strollers) and manuveurs well. Target and Babies R Us both carry the latest style- Green Tea.

2) A second pack n play. Our first one has a bassinet that we'll use as the baby's bed for several months. And we were able to get a second basic one for Ramogi to use. So...check.

3)Second crib. I'm not sure Ramogi will be ready to move out of his crib until after his 2nd birthday, so we'll probably need two for a while. A friend is likely to pass hers along to us, so we can avoid the expense! So...check!

4) Clothes. Because the kids will be born in different seasons, we will need some new clothes most likely. And if we have a girl, we'll need girlie clothes. Boy or girl, I plan on dressing them in Ramogi's sleepers for the first few months to get us through winter. So, I don't have to worry about this for a while. I guess I'll buy a girl some hair bows so I don't get asked her gender!

5)Bottles. I intend to breastfeed again for as long as possible given our life, but I also pump for the sake of my sanity. I'm realizing the bottles I bought out of necessity (I didn't want to spend much $ and wasn't sure if some were worth the hype) were more work than they were worth. My sister-in-law was here a few weeks ago with our 4 month-old neice and they had a wide-mouth Avent. The vent worked great and it was much easier to clean. I think I'll buy 2 of those and toss the rest to Goodwill.
- Infant car seat. We used an older one with Ramogi. I would like a newer one to use but the idea of spending a ton for something we'll use a short time is depressing. I'm hoping I can rent one from a friend to get us through winter and then switch to the convertible seat by March.

Back at It

Hmm... A three month hiatus. When I started back to write this blog I said myself that I wasn't going to start writing only to disappear again. And then it happened!

Well, it wasn't that I just stopped writing. I had good reason, I promise. I got pregnant! And man, did that pregnancy tiredness, not-a-spare-ounce-of-energy hit me like a ton of bricks. And you should be glad I haven't "been around" the last few months. I've been so drained that I haven't been a whole lot of fun. Well, that's a nice way to put it. I've been a downright miserable grouch a lot of days.

You see, having been pregnant before I knew I'd be exhausted. And, theoretically, I knew it would be harder having Ramogi, since I can't just sleep and escape reality whenever I please. But, it was a whole lot harder to actually do than I wanted to believe.

And add to that the fact that I was in school full-time. But, I only had part-time help with Ramogi, so I was cramming a full work week into 16 hours. And it was Romanus's last semester in school, which was easier and harder all at the same time. And I could continue this list, but its getting pathetic...

So, when I was pregnant with Ramogi and could barely function, I'd wonder aloud how women feel like this, have other children and also work full-time outside the house. The answer I got was "You do what you have to do."

In my world that translated to: "You feed your child, make your husband fend for himself most days, do what you have to keep the house from collapsing, sleep when possible, 'fake the funk' when in public, and behave like a 'crab-apple' in private." Again, it was not pretty!

So, I feel like I'm on the other side of that. I've made it through the first trimester. Romanus graduated and starts his new job next week. And, by the sheer Grace of God, Ramogi didn't start crawling until a few weeks ago. If he'd gone mobile before then, I'd have ended up in the looney bin! But, we've made it to the "other side."

I'm in class this summer, but this is my last semester of classes! That in itself is enough to make me cheer. I never thought I'd finish my coursework. And just in case your curious, having Ramogi didn't put me very behind in that arena- one, maybe two semesters. Not a bad trade-off  in order to have our boy!
I'm still working from my home office with part-time help to care for Ramogi. I desire to be his primary caretaker, so this situation works for us. I know we all have different calls on our lives and I believe his care to be my first vocational calling. The "other stuff," aka PhD, is important, but its got to be secondary to him and my roles at home.

I'll sign off with a big shout out to my husband and parents. My fabulous Hubster calmly dealt with my chaotic emotions and frailty these past few months. He also never ceases to be a generous, involoved, and loving dad to our son. And all his hard work paid off as I got to see him cross the stage and receive his diploma. You're a rockstar and I love you immensely : )
And to my parents for being around quite a bit these days, helping take care of Ramogi and loving him well. Thank you!

More Teeth

Things are going well with school, when I'm able to focus on it, but poor Mini-Man has had the teeth troubles! Tooth #5 and possibly #6 have broken through. But he is so distressed by the pain that he won't let me near his mouth most of the time.

The whole house has been put on antibiotics and Mini-Man and I are finished with our courses. No sniffles or coughs or green gunk here. Halleluiah!!!

Next week I'm giving a seminar on my proposed research for my department. At this point I feel wholly unprepared and nervous. It doesn't help that I'll be going first out of my peers who all signed up for later weeks. Laughably, I reserved Spring break to present, not realizing it was Spring Break! So, I had to take the only date left, the first! At least I'll have it done and the stress behind me, but my selfish pride would really like to "Wow" or at least placate my committee and the others that attend. Oh, prideful self, how I despise you so!!

There is more I should be writing about: a continuation of "Where I Am Write Now" with some details on all I have been sorting through in the priorities of life and these callings/roles placed on me and what the awesome grace of God through Jesus Christ has been teaching me over these last weeks. But, my time seems brief so I will get to it soon enough.

Oh, and there have been some sweet moments this week with Mini-Man, when he's not in pain. He's really started waving; hello, goodbye, at random people in the store, at the dog. He's also started reaching out when he wants you to pick him up or take him. I can't put into words how it makes my heart leap for my little boy to reach over to me so I can pick him up. Moments like that just fuse into my mind: "This is for real. He is ours. We get to keep him. How can we be so amazingly blessed?"

The Winter "Plague"

Well, I seem to have lost momentum on posting. Quite a bit of that has to do with our house being plagued by winter colds. For some 5 weeks now, Mini-man and I have been experiencing a variety of cold symptoms that come and go at will. On top of this Mini-man is teething. Two weeks ago teeth #3 & #4 broke through. I was hoping that would bring some relief to him, but it really hasn’t. Guess there are more teeth there working their way through.

Last week, after a 30 minute long coughing session, I decided it was time to see the doctor. Turns out my cold had transformed itself into an infection. I hope these antibiotics fix what ails me, but at the moment they’re only making my stomach churn and I’m still waking in the mornings feeling like I’m drowning in an ocean of fluids. Yuck!

Mini-man had a running nose reappear last Saturday. It was infrequent, but it would really get going when he cried. And, poor boy, he has been chewing like crazy, so I know his teeth are giving him fits. But then yesterday, he was really unhappy and when I gave him something to chew, he pushed it away! He’d napped fine and wasn’t hungry, so I thought a walk would be good. But, as I put him in the stroller, I realized he felt warm and was a bit lethargic/limp. It took Hubby and I both to distract him/hold him down to get his temperature, but sure enough, it was 100.9°.  After a call to the nurse, we re-dosed him with Tylenol and tried to get his mind off his discomfort. He ended up going to sleep at 5:30pm, waking at 9:45pm for a bottle and then sleeping until 7:30 this morning.

A trip to the doctor confirmed an ear infection and he’s on antibiotics to speed recovery. I’m really praying that the meds help us “perk-up” around here. I have been so tired that it’s really hard to get “it” all done. A lot of things have to get cut back and just narrow in on what is most essential and important. I don't know how my professors perceive it, but I've just had to be real honest that my son is sick and I may need to stay home with him. I emailed one professor 3 days prior to exam to let him know Mini-man was sick and if he was better I would need to take the test at an alternative time when someone could stay with him that he is comfortable with. I would guess moms using day-care have to do the same things. I'm positive you can't send a sick child to day care.

I have grand intentions to get up at 5:45am, shower, eat breakfast, and study the Bible before Mini-man wakes up, but the reality is that I’m barely out of bed when he wakes up. And on the days, like today, where I don’t have a Quiet Time of Bible study and prayer before the day begins, and then all kinds of things become distractions and I never stop for prayer and study…

So, when I find myself (on this day of no Quiet Time) battling feelings of doubt, depression, frustration, and tiredness that all come in waves, I really shouldn’t be surprised.

Forgive me, Lord; for living today as if You don’t really matter.

Forgive me, Lord; for trying to do this/life, in my own strength.

Thank you, Lord; that your mercy is new each morning.

Heal me, Lord; from this illness in my body that continues to make me feel weary.

Help me, Lord; to wake tomorrow with a renewed body and a spirit determined to seek you first, regardless of all the urgent and important things that come up!

Where I am 'Write' Now (pt 1)

'Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evel for evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.' 1 Peter 3:11 NIV of The Bible

It's a new year! I am taking classes on campus, four classes to be specific. It's a whole lot more than I'd like to be taking, but I'll be glad to have them done when I get to the end of the semester.

Truth is, I feel pretty overwhelmed some days when I think about all my responsibilities and 'hats'. And as I look around for role models, it seems pretty hard to find other women doing the same 'thing.' I guess that is a big reason why I decided to start back on this blog. Recently, I went 'googling' trying to find any resources for women who were working on advanced degrees and had children. I found a few bits but nothing was especially helpful. It's frustrating for me to feel like I'm the only person who is trying to get a PhD and be the primary caretaker for thier child. I know I'm not the only one... So where is everyone else?

The technology is available to put myself "out there", so I'm going to try. Maybe if I make some discoveries on how to do this while being the best possible student and mom that I can be, the evidence will be here to pass along to others that attempt the same noble feat.

I am currently a bit isolated from others in my department. Some of this is self-imposed. I (my husband and I) did not want to rely on full-time daycare as the means of caring for our son while I continued working on my degree. This something I felt strongly about long before I had children. I couldn't imagine carrying him with me 24/7 throughout my pregnancy, then care for him around the clock post-partum, and choosing after a maternity leave to turn over to daycare workers for 40 hours a week. I (We) wanted to be the ones he spent the vast majority of his time with. I know for many couples this is there only option, but we felt like we needed to do otherwise.

So, for my first semester back after having Ramogi, I would work while he took naps. This meant I worked from home and was away from the company of my peers and professors. Some days this was incredibly difficult, other times it worked smoothly. My son is a great sleeper and when I started back to research/work he was napping 6 hours a day. If I worked through 4 of those hours, I was doing really well. Unrealistically, I first thought I would work 6 days a week. Truth be told, I was still thinking of myself as a full-time student and a full-time mom. As my frustration would mount that I couldn't get enough done, or my son didn't sleep well on a given day, I saw my folly.

I CANNOT be both a full-time mom and student. I had to chose one or the other. Well, that was easy, I had already chosen to be a full-time mom. Now I had to figure out how to be a part-time student.

Some thoughts/advice as of today with an 8 month-old and 2 years in to a PhD program:

1. Make sure that you chose an advisor who is supportive of family and will not question your decision to put family first. If you already have an advisor and are just now bringing up the subject, steel yourself to be firm on your priorities.

2. Have a plan on how you expect to manage family and school, and then have a back-up plan. (I had every intention of taking a full courseload through my pregnancy, but was nearly disabled and physically overwhelmed through much of it. Instead of completing 18 hours as planned, I completed 12. But, I've adjusted and am only one semester behind in coursework.)

3. Even if you can do work/research from home and will be the primary care for your child(ren), still plan to ahve some help. There will be projects that require large blocks of time. You will need to elave the house to go to a meeting or see someone face-to-face. Don't wait until it comes up to get help. Schedule and find help now. Make a regular plan to use help so that they are always there and you can rely on them. Piece meal help is nice when something occassionally comes up, but trying to beg someone every other Thursday to take your son so you can go to seminar will just get exhausting and stressful. Find some reliable and keep them!