Over at Muddy Mamas Ashlee is putting together information from moms who have walked through miscarriage in order to help friends and family know what to say/do (and not say/do) and also to help women who are currently grieving. If you've been through a miscarriage, like so many of us have, please hop over there and complete the survey. Its three or so posts down the page. Thank you!
http://muddymamas.blogspot.com/
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Monday, March 21, 2011
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Struggle Out Loud
Have you been going through some type of struggle lately, or maybe for years? Is it a "secret" struggle, one you keep only to yourself or share with a select few people? is it a "little" struggle? One you convince yourself you don't need to trouble anyone else about? Is it a "pervasive" struggle? One that you're convinced will always trouble you and nothing anyone else does will help you overcome it?
Here's why I ask: we all have struggles. Every. single. one. of. us. Whether Christian or not, male or female, young or old, you get the idea, we all have struggles. The difference is, will we gain victory over our struggle or will it gain increasing control over us?
I have become increasingly convinced that when we sit in silence and fail to admit our struggles and reach out to others WE AFFORD THE ENEMY OF OUR SOULS A FOOTHOLD INTO OUR HEARTS THAT CANNOT BE REMOVED UNTIL WE SPEAK ALOUD WHAT TROUBLES US.
Yes, I yelled that. Because the God of Heaven and Earth has been yelling it to me lately. And I have seen the truth of it over and over again in my own life and the lives of those I love.
Quit struggling in silence. I say this especially to my brothers and sisters in Christ, speak up! Silence allows the enemy to use the treacherous tools of fear, guilt and shame against us in ways that would not be possible if we would turn to others in the Church, the body of Christ, and speak our struggles and allow them to speak the truth of the Word over our lives.
I'll "tell" on myself.
I've been struggling with some loneliness lately. At times the sense of being alone will wash over me in a wave. Sometimes it moves beyond that and my mind begins to think "Do I have any friends? I never see anyone, never go anywhere, no one ever calls..."
If I don't catch the lies that are spinning in my head, it turns into quite a pity party that can grow out of control. But, on my own, in my own little head, its easy to miss the truth.
The truth is: if I'm in the will of God and following Christ's call on my life than He needs to be enough and I need to seek HIM more and ask Him to fill the longings of my heart. But, if something has gotten off track- maybe I'm getting consumed with my job and not taking the time to rest and enjoy relationships like I should- then after seeking wisdom from the Lord I should reach out to friends and spend some time enjoy the relationships in my life.
Unfortunately, the story in my head got left a little too long and started down the pity party route. I could have prevented that in a number of ways. I could have said something to Hubs. "I've really been feeling lonely today. I don't know what's going on but would you ray for me and spend a few extra minutes before you leave for work?" I could have said something to a number of people in my life, but I let it fester. And, in all honesty, in turned into an ugly little meltdown a week or so later. One innocent statement by a person I love set me into a tailspin. But, of course, they had no idea I was hurting because I'd never spoken the words!
STAYING SILENT WON'T MAKE IT GO AWAY OR LESSEN THE PAIN.
I got to thinking tonight about the poor in my community and wondered how many people in my church were suffering, really suffering from the economic downturn or other reasons. The truth is, I have no idea! We have a committee that handles providing help when people have needs. But, truth be told, isn't there a sort of shame associated with having financial needs, of being poor? is that Biblical? [Shame is never from God. He uses 'tactics' like remorse to cause us to see our shortfalls and act differently in the future. The enemy wants to use shame to keep us trapped in the past.]
What would happen in my church, in your church, if we refused to give into the shame and members stood and spoke of their financial needs? What would we look like to the rest of the community when church members compassionately gave to one another in need? How would the opportunities to be a witness to the Gospel of Jesus Christ increase? I believe it would be revolutionary. After all, isn't that what it means to be a body? To come to the aid of each other?
So, after my mini-meltdown, I contacted a few friends to ask for their prayers. I told them I'd been struggling with some loneliness and would appreciate their prayers for wisdom as to the source of it; was it a spiritual attack or a genuine need to make some lifestyle changes. And you know what? Each one of them told me they'd experienced or were in the midst of experiencing the same struggle. Those who had overcome shared how and what they did. Those in the midst shared words of truth that others had spoken over them. But, each of us were built up and encouraged.
We got to see 1 Corinthians 10:13 in action.
"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. "
I could repeat this story over and over. When I shared with a Bible study group that I was being bombarded by guilt as a new mom each woman shared that they had the same experience and it WAS A COMMON TEMPTATION.
When I began to speak about my miscarriage openly, the fear that come with the loss began to melt away, and others were able to share their own stories of loss and find healing.
I urge you today, if you are weighed down under a "secret" struggle, speak. Not to groan and complain, but to speak truth and allow others to speak truth over you!!!
Here's why I ask: we all have struggles. Every. single. one. of. us. Whether Christian or not, male or female, young or old, you get the idea, we all have struggles. The difference is, will we gain victory over our struggle or will it gain increasing control over us?
I have become increasingly convinced that when we sit in silence and fail to admit our struggles and reach out to others WE AFFORD THE ENEMY OF OUR SOULS A FOOTHOLD INTO OUR HEARTS THAT CANNOT BE REMOVED UNTIL WE SPEAK ALOUD WHAT TROUBLES US.
Quit struggling in silence. I say this especially to my brothers and sisters in Christ, speak up! Silence allows the enemy to use the treacherous tools of fear, guilt and shame against us in ways that would not be possible if we would turn to others in the Church, the body of Christ, and speak our struggles and allow them to speak the truth of the Word over our lives.
I'll "tell" on myself.
I've been struggling with some loneliness lately. At times the sense of being alone will wash over me in a wave. Sometimes it moves beyond that and my mind begins to think "Do I have any friends? I never see anyone, never go anywhere, no one ever calls..."
If I don't catch the lies that are spinning in my head, it turns into quite a pity party that can grow out of control. But, on my own, in my own little head, its easy to miss the truth.
The truth is: if I'm in the will of God and following Christ's call on my life than He needs to be enough and I need to seek HIM more and ask Him to fill the longings of my heart. But, if something has gotten off track- maybe I'm getting consumed with my job and not taking the time to rest and enjoy relationships like I should- then after seeking wisdom from the Lord I should reach out to friends and spend some time enjoy the relationships in my life.
Unfortunately, the story in my head got left a little too long and started down the pity party route. I could have prevented that in a number of ways. I could have said something to Hubs. "I've really been feeling lonely today. I don't know what's going on but would you ray for me and spend a few extra minutes before you leave for work?" I could have said something to a number of people in my life, but I let it fester. And, in all honesty, in turned into an ugly little meltdown a week or so later. One innocent statement by a person I love set me into a tailspin. But, of course, they had no idea I was hurting because I'd never spoken the words!
STAYING SILENT WON'T MAKE IT GO AWAY OR LESSEN THE PAIN.
I got to thinking tonight about the poor in my community and wondered how many people in my church were suffering, really suffering from the economic downturn or other reasons. The truth is, I have no idea! We have a committee that handles providing help when people have needs. But, truth be told, isn't there a sort of shame associated with having financial needs, of being poor? is that Biblical? [Shame is never from God. He uses 'tactics' like remorse to cause us to see our shortfalls and act differently in the future. The enemy wants to use shame to keep us trapped in the past.]
What would happen in my church, in your church, if we refused to give into the shame and members stood and spoke of their financial needs? What would we look like to the rest of the community when church members compassionately gave to one another in need? How would the opportunities to be a witness to the Gospel of Jesus Christ increase? I believe it would be revolutionary. After all, isn't that what it means to be a body? To come to the aid of each other?
So, after my mini-meltdown, I contacted a few friends to ask for their prayers. I told them I'd been struggling with some loneliness and would appreciate their prayers for wisdom as to the source of it; was it a spiritual attack or a genuine need to make some lifestyle changes. And you know what? Each one of them told me they'd experienced or were in the midst of experiencing the same struggle. Those who had overcome shared how and what they did. Those in the midst shared words of truth that others had spoken over them. But, each of us were built up and encouraged.
We got to see 1 Corinthians 10:13 in action.
"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it. "
I could repeat this story over and over. When I shared with a Bible study group that I was being bombarded by guilt as a new mom each woman shared that they had the same experience and it WAS A COMMON TEMPTATION.
When I began to speak about my miscarriage openly, the fear that come with the loss began to melt away, and others were able to share their own stories of loss and find healing.
I urge you today, if you are weighed down under a "secret" struggle, speak. Not to groan and complain, but to speak truth and allow others to speak truth over you!!!
Friday, September 10, 2010
Miscarriage: Two Years Later
Unless you've read every post in this blog or I've shared it in conversation, you may not know that I am in my third pregnancy, carrying our second-soon-to-be-born child. What? Why, that means we lost a child along the way. It was our first pregnancy and our loss happened two years ago.
Two years ago means I have a bit more distance and perspective on it, I guess. I went back and re-read my October 8, 2008 post and couldn't help the tears that rolled down my face. It's sad. It was. It will be.
My hope in writing this is that other couples may be comforted a bit by our story and that I won't forget what I learned through all of it.
At the time, I felt very alone in our loss. Miscarriage isn't a topic of common conversation. It never comes up in mixed company and I've mainly only heard it discussed post-loss, when prayer requests are being shared for someone. But, many times when a loss happens very early in pregnancy most couples may not even have shared their pregnancy publicly, so to share the news of a miscarriage may feel incredibly awkward... hence, there ends up being a good bit of isolation.
If you're reading this and have had a miscarriage or are in the midst of one, please know you're not alone in your loss. Many women and couples have experienced what you are going through. Our stories and pain are different, but you don't have to be alone in your journey. And its okay to talk about your loss, even if you cry or you think other people may feel "awkward" hearing you share.
I talk about miscarriage now. Not like a public speaker or anything, but I bring it up in conversation. I mention the fact that we experienced miscarriage. I talk about how common it is. I say that my first child was lost and it was a deeply painful experience that changed me.
I'm not looking for a "Girl Scout" badge on miscarriage or pity or anything. I just want people to know its okay to talk about.
So, two years later...
I would never a million times over chose to have had a miscarriage. I believe in the providence and sovereign control of God, but even so I don't begin to think I can explain God's purpose in miscarriage. My only comfort is that this same God willingly allowed His own Son's sacrifice for the redemption of all humanity, so he knows a thing or two about loss and grief.
I did receive a gift from our miscarriage, though. A priceless gift about motherhood. It was simply this: The fear that overwhelmed me in the face of losing my child could either grip me for the rest of my life or I could chose to overcome it. Because, honestly, motherhood allows daily, even hourly, opportunities for fear. The worst and greatest fear is losing a child, whether in utero or at some later point.
Faced with the reality that from here on out I could be constantly consumed by fear and the "what ifs" that motherhood brings, I chose to not let fear win. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to have learned this. I can't imagine how much joy would be robbed from my life if every day was a struggle with fear.
Are you struggling with fear right now? The "what ifs" of motherhood? Whether it is an unborn child or a teenager heading to high school, may I encourage you to do all that is in your realm of responsibility as a mother and then step back and trust the sovereign Hand of God? Liberate yourself from the shackles of fear. I know you won't regret it.
Philippians 4:4-7
'Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. '
Two years ago means I have a bit more distance and perspective on it, I guess. I went back and re-read my October 8, 2008 post and couldn't help the tears that rolled down my face. It's sad. It was. It will be.
My hope in writing this is that other couples may be comforted a bit by our story and that I won't forget what I learned through all of it.
At the time, I felt very alone in our loss. Miscarriage isn't a topic of common conversation. It never comes up in mixed company and I've mainly only heard it discussed post-loss, when prayer requests are being shared for someone. But, many times when a loss happens very early in pregnancy most couples may not even have shared their pregnancy publicly, so to share the news of a miscarriage may feel incredibly awkward... hence, there ends up being a good bit of isolation.
If you're reading this and have had a miscarriage or are in the midst of one, please know you're not alone in your loss. Many women and couples have experienced what you are going through. Our stories and pain are different, but you don't have to be alone in your journey. And its okay to talk about your loss, even if you cry or you think other people may feel "awkward" hearing you share.
I talk about miscarriage now. Not like a public speaker or anything, but I bring it up in conversation. I mention the fact that we experienced miscarriage. I talk about how common it is. I say that my first child was lost and it was a deeply painful experience that changed me.
I'm not looking for a "Girl Scout" badge on miscarriage or pity or anything. I just want people to know its okay to talk about.
So, two years later...
I would never a million times over chose to have had a miscarriage. I believe in the providence and sovereign control of God, but even so I don't begin to think I can explain God's purpose in miscarriage. My only comfort is that this same God willingly allowed His own Son's sacrifice for the redemption of all humanity, so he knows a thing or two about loss and grief.
I did receive a gift from our miscarriage, though. A priceless gift about motherhood. It was simply this: The fear that overwhelmed me in the face of losing my child could either grip me for the rest of my life or I could chose to overcome it. Because, honestly, motherhood allows daily, even hourly, opportunities for fear. The worst and greatest fear is losing a child, whether in utero or at some later point.
Faced with the reality that from here on out I could be constantly consumed by fear and the "what ifs" that motherhood brings, I chose to not let fear win. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to have learned this. I can't imagine how much joy would be robbed from my life if every day was a struggle with fear.
Are you struggling with fear right now? The "what ifs" of motherhood? Whether it is an unborn child or a teenager heading to high school, may I encourage you to do all that is in your realm of responsibility as a mother and then step back and trust the sovereign Hand of God? Liberate yourself from the shackles of fear. I know you won't regret it.
Philippians 4:4-7
'Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. '
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Hope
I was blessed beyond measure at our church service today. Encouraged and uplifted by the music and corporate worship, renewed and revived by the ferverent reminder to love one another, just all around blessed. It was as if in the midst of it the Lord was whispering to me, "Hope, there is hope, tell them that there is hope."
The truth is: there is hope, and there is always hope.
Lately, some horrible, life-changing things have been going on in the lives of people near and often dear to me. Two young wives diagnosed with aggressive cancers, one lost her brave battle after two-plus years of fighting, another's journey has just begun. A former professor lost his battle to cancer at 38. Others have buried children, dealt with sicknesses that have left loved ones permanently harmed, multitudes suffer silently through miscarriages and infertility. An economy has left others jobless, unable to pay bills, unsure how they will stay in their homes or feed their families.On top of that there are the "other-inflicted" wounds of murder, rape, and all kinds of violence that happen every day.
It's enough to leave one's head spinning. To make you want to hide under the covers and never come out. At times I am tempted to be overwhelmed. I hear news of suffering and start to become fearful, or wonder how someone will be able to "carry on" in such circumstances. And then I remember...
"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship."
Romans 8:15
"28And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 29For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. 30And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
31What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."[l] 37No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[m] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 8:28-39
There is reason to hope and a capacity for hope no matter the circumstances and it is found in the gospel of Jesus Christ. Again, no matter what you are going through there is Hope- hope in Jesus.
He who lived a life without sin and voluntarily died a death on the cross also rose from the dead, conquering the grave and is now in Heaven. He has promised that those who take the free gift of eternal life that he offers will be with him forever.
This world does not spin helplessly and hopelessly out of control. As difficult as it may be to understand at times, God is in control. He works all things out for his purposes, which are always good, regardless of how it may seem to us.
Would you ask him today to show you how is working everything for your good?
If you do not have the hope that comes from being In Christ, would you ask Him to make himself known to you?
Would you like to know God?
The truth is: there is hope, and there is always hope.
Lately, some horrible, life-changing things have been going on in the lives of people near and often dear to me. Two young wives diagnosed with aggressive cancers, one lost her brave battle after two-plus years of fighting, another's journey has just begun. A former professor lost his battle to cancer at 38. Others have buried children, dealt with sicknesses that have left loved ones permanently harmed, multitudes suffer silently through miscarriages and infertility. An economy has left others jobless, unable to pay bills, unsure how they will stay in their homes or feed their families.On top of that there are the "other-inflicted" wounds of murder, rape, and all kinds of violence that happen every day.
It's enough to leave one's head spinning. To make you want to hide under the covers and never come out. At times I am tempted to be overwhelmed. I hear news of suffering and start to become fearful, or wonder how someone will be able to "carry on" in such circumstances. And then I remember...
"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship."
Romans 8:15
"28And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 29For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. 30And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
31What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."[l] 37No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[m] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 8:28-39
There is reason to hope and a capacity for hope no matter the circumstances and it is found in the gospel of Jesus Christ. Again, no matter what you are going through there is Hope- hope in Jesus.
He who lived a life without sin and voluntarily died a death on the cross also rose from the dead, conquering the grave and is now in Heaven. He has promised that those who take the free gift of eternal life that he offers will be with him forever.
This world does not spin helplessly and hopelessly out of control. As difficult as it may be to understand at times, God is in control. He works all things out for his purposes, which are always good, regardless of how it may seem to us.
Would you ask him today to show you how is working everything for your good?
If you do not have the hope that comes from being In Christ, would you ask Him to make himself known to you?
Would you like to know God?
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Background
I signed up for this blog the week after finding out we were pregnant with our first child. That was around Sept. 2nd this year, 2008. We'd been trying for several months and were anxious to finally become pregnant. When it finally did happened we were really happy. I was excited, but it all seemed rather surreal and I was more anxious/nervous than I thought I would be. I couldn't wait to tell my parents and our family. We told my parents over speakerphone two days later and then my sister and brother. Hubby also called his brothers in the US and UK and called Kenya to tell his mom and the rest of the family. Everyone was so happy for us.
Of course, we knew that pregnancy was precarious, especially in the fist few months, but how do you not share something like that. And how do you begin such a huge journey for the first time without the ones you love cheering you one?
Honestly, I felt melancholy. Maybe it was the anxiousness of being pregnant for the first time, wanting all my life to be a mom and it was finally here. But, from day 1 I felt like, "What if this is my last day with this baby?" "What if she/he's gone tomorrow?" I guess I felt scared that the worst might happen.
So when the worst began to happen two weeks after realizing I was pregnant, I freaked. I thought at the first that the bleeding might be nothing, but it didn't go away. There is such a feeling of helplessness. And I was SCARED! Scared to lose this child I loved, scared of where I would be able to handle it.
I called my sister crying. She had lost her second pregnancy in miscarriage. She tried to calm me down. I had been on-campus trying to sit at my desk and be productive while my mind was losing it. I remember saying to my sister, "I just don't know if I have the grace to handle this." I was really afraid that losing this child might make me angry at God and lose hope, that I would become so discouraged that my faith would crack. That scared me more than anything.
In the providence of God, I lost my pregnancy the next morning. It wasn't until it happened that I finally cried again. I had held it together through the night, when I knew it was imminent. I waited a very long hour for Hubby to come from work. I'll never forget the sadness on his face when I told him. I felt as if my body had betrayed me, as if I had become a traitor to myself. But, when I expressed my anguish to him, he lovingly reassured me of the truth and that the Enemy wanted to use those lies to discourage me. I found the strength to call my mom and tell her and she assured me that they would be there in a few hours to help.
Then I had to go to the doctor's for blood work. I knew I had miscarried, they didn't need to do it, but that's how it works. I took my paperwork to the Lab to get my blood drawn with the ugly diagnosis "Unspecified Spontaneous Abortion" written on it. The lab tech saw the form and asked me how I was, I couldn't even make eye contact as the tears rolled down my face. I wanted to look at her and scream "My child was taken from me, how should I feel?" But, she was so kind and hugged me as I wept.
I managed to call my sister and Hubby made all the other difficult phone calls. Thankfully my parents arrived that afternoon. I didn't realize that the physical pain had only yet begun. The next few days were very hard. I stayed mostly in bed and round the house. No one talks about the physical pain of miscarriage, especially when every pain reminds you of your loss.
But, Hubby was so strong, always my hero. He doesn't cry, but did share his emotion and anguish with me, which helped us both heal. he reassured me that this wasn't the end and the Lord cared for us in the midst of this.
The thing that surprised me the most, was how evident God's presence was through all of it. Yes, I was sad. Yes, I was in pain. But, He was there. The discouragement and anger I so feared never came, and when they tried to show their ugly head, by the grace of God, the truth was spoken and they had to flee.
A few days later I decided that I wanted a wind chime to remember our child by. Something musical and beautiful for the front porch that I love so much. After finding a beautiful one, the six of us hung it on the porch and had a remembrance. It was brief but Hubby prayed for us and praised God for who is, despite the circumstances. I was a very proud wife.
As the days went on the physical pain lessened and abated. The emotional pain eased. But, all of this has changed me. I can't say precisely how, but I feel the change. Maybe its a profound awareness of the fragility of life. And now I am able to think sweetly upon the child that would have been and await the day we meet in Heaven.
Of course, we knew that pregnancy was precarious, especially in the fist few months, but how do you not share something like that. And how do you begin such a huge journey for the first time without the ones you love cheering you one?
Honestly, I felt melancholy. Maybe it was the anxiousness of being pregnant for the first time, wanting all my life to be a mom and it was finally here. But, from day 1 I felt like, "What if this is my last day with this baby?" "What if she/he's gone tomorrow?" I guess I felt scared that the worst might happen.
So when the worst began to happen two weeks after realizing I was pregnant, I freaked. I thought at the first that the bleeding might be nothing, but it didn't go away. There is such a feeling of helplessness. And I was SCARED! Scared to lose this child I loved, scared of where I would be able to handle it.
I called my sister crying. She had lost her second pregnancy in miscarriage. She tried to calm me down. I had been on-campus trying to sit at my desk and be productive while my mind was losing it. I remember saying to my sister, "I just don't know if I have the grace to handle this." I was really afraid that losing this child might make me angry at God and lose hope, that I would become so discouraged that my faith would crack. That scared me more than anything.
In the providence of God, I lost my pregnancy the next morning. It wasn't until it happened that I finally cried again. I had held it together through the night, when I knew it was imminent. I waited a very long hour for Hubby to come from work. I'll never forget the sadness on his face when I told him. I felt as if my body had betrayed me, as if I had become a traitor to myself. But, when I expressed my anguish to him, he lovingly reassured me of the truth and that the Enemy wanted to use those lies to discourage me. I found the strength to call my mom and tell her and she assured me that they would be there in a few hours to help.
Then I had to go to the doctor's for blood work. I knew I had miscarried, they didn't need to do it, but that's how it works. I took my paperwork to the Lab to get my blood drawn with the ugly diagnosis "Unspecified Spontaneous Abortion" written on it. The lab tech saw the form and asked me how I was, I couldn't even make eye contact as the tears rolled down my face. I wanted to look at her and scream "My child was taken from me, how should I feel?" But, she was so kind and hugged me as I wept.
I managed to call my sister and Hubby made all the other difficult phone calls. Thankfully my parents arrived that afternoon. I didn't realize that the physical pain had only yet begun. The next few days were very hard. I stayed mostly in bed and round the house. No one talks about the physical pain of miscarriage, especially when every pain reminds you of your loss.
But, Hubby was so strong, always my hero. He doesn't cry, but did share his emotion and anguish with me, which helped us both heal. he reassured me that this wasn't the end and the Lord cared for us in the midst of this.
The thing that surprised me the most, was how evident God's presence was through all of it. Yes, I was sad. Yes, I was in pain. But, He was there. The discouragement and anger I so feared never came, and when they tried to show their ugly head, by the grace of God, the truth was spoken and they had to flee.
A few days later I decided that I wanted a wind chime to remember our child by. Something musical and beautiful for the front porch that I love so much. After finding a beautiful one, the six of us hung it on the porch and had a remembrance. It was brief but Hubby prayed for us and praised God for who is, despite the circumstances. I was a very proud wife.
As the days went on the physical pain lessened and abated. The emotional pain eased. But, all of this has changed me. I can't say precisely how, but I feel the change. Maybe its a profound awareness of the fragility of life. And now I am able to think sweetly upon the child that would have been and await the day we meet in Heaven.
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