I signed up for this blog the week after finding out we were pregnant with our first child. That was around Sept. 2nd this year, 2008. We'd been trying for several months and were anxious to finally become pregnant. When it finally did happened we were really happy. I was excited, but it all seemed rather surreal and I was more anxious/nervous than I thought I would be. I couldn't wait to tell my parents and our family. We told my parents over speakerphone two days later and then my sister and brother. Hubby also called his brothers in the US and UK and called Kenya to tell his mom and the rest of the family. Everyone was so happy for us.
Of course, we knew that pregnancy was precarious, especially in the fist few months, but how do you not share something like that. And how do you begin such a huge journey for the first time without the ones you love cheering you one?
Honestly, I felt melancholy. Maybe it was the anxiousness of being pregnant for the first time, wanting all my life to be a mom and it was finally here. But, from day 1 I felt like, "What if this is my last day with this baby?" "What if she/he's gone tomorrow?" I guess I felt scared that the worst might happen.
So when the worst began to happen two weeks after realizing I was pregnant, I freaked. I thought at the first that the bleeding might be nothing, but it didn't go away. There is such a feeling of helplessness. And I was SCARED! Scared to lose this child I loved, scared of where I would be able to handle it.
I called my sister crying. She had lost her second pregnancy in miscarriage. She tried to calm me down. I had been on-campus trying to sit at my desk and be productive while my mind was losing it. I remember saying to my sister, "I just don't know if I have the grace to handle this." I was really afraid that losing this child might make me angry at God and lose hope, that I would become so discouraged that my faith would crack. That scared me more than anything.
In the providence of God, I lost my pregnancy the next morning. It wasn't until it happened that I finally cried again. I had held it together through the night, when I knew it was imminent. I waited a very long hour for Hubby to come from work. I'll never forget the sadness on his face when I told him. I felt as if my body had betrayed me, as if I had become a traitor to myself. But, when I expressed my anguish to him, he lovingly reassured me of the truth and that the Enemy wanted to use those lies to discourage me. I found the strength to call my mom and tell her and she assured me that they would be there in a few hours to help.
Then I had to go to the doctor's for blood work. I knew I had miscarried, they didn't need to do it, but that's how it works. I took my paperwork to the Lab to get my blood drawn with the ugly diagnosis "Unspecified Spontaneous Abortion" written on it. The lab tech saw the form and asked me how I was, I couldn't even make eye contact as the tears rolled down my face. I wanted to look at her and scream "My child was taken from me, how should I feel?" But, she was so kind and hugged me as I wept.
I managed to call my sister and Hubby made all the other difficult phone calls. Thankfully my parents arrived that afternoon. I didn't realize that the physical pain had only yet begun. The next few days were very hard. I stayed mostly in bed and round the house. No one talks about the physical pain of miscarriage, especially when every pain reminds you of your loss.
But, Hubby was so strong, always my hero. He doesn't cry, but did share his emotion and anguish with me, which helped us both heal. he reassured me that this wasn't the end and the Lord cared for us in the midst of this.
The thing that surprised me the most, was how evident God's presence was through all of it. Yes, I was sad. Yes, I was in pain. But, He was there. The discouragement and anger I so feared never came, and when they tried to show their ugly head, by the grace of God, the truth was spoken and they had to flee.
A few days later I decided that I wanted a wind chime to remember our child by. Something musical and beautiful for the front porch that I love so much. After finding a beautiful one, the six of us hung it on the porch and had a remembrance. It was brief but Hubby prayed for us and praised God for who is, despite the circumstances. I was a very proud wife.
As the days went on the physical pain lessened and abated. The emotional pain eased. But, all of this has changed me. I can't say precisely how, but I feel the change. Maybe its a profound awareness of the fragility of life. And now I am able to think sweetly upon the child that would have been and await the day we meet in Heaven.