Bean O's World Debut

Today was my first ultrasound at 7w 0d. It was AMAZING! I got to hear Bean O's heartbeat, something I had been eargerly anticipating, and it made me cry. I wanted to jump off the table and do a happy dance and run down the hall yelling at everyone that I just heard my baby's heartbeat, but the technician wasn't a fan of even my squirming. What did she expect? It's a pretty miraculous thing! By the way, Bean O's heart was a healthy 142 BPM!!

Well, here's the pics from Bean O's world debut... I hope you enjoy them as much as I did : ).

Goodness

One of my very best friends came to visit this weekend. We hadn't seen each other in months during to our busyness and living situations. It was so good to hang out with her. I got to share our good news with her, which she wasn't surprised about! Of course she knew we'd been trying and about earlier loss, and was happy for us. We got to hang out and talk, like "girls" do and had a lot of fun!
We went to a local syrup festival yesterday. Nothing like reveling in local culture. It was more like a Flea Market than Arts and Crafts show, but fun none-the-less. Once we got past all the crazy smells, we ate and then shared a Funnel Cake! Yumm.... Such fried goodness.
I was sorry to see her head home, although I know she has her own life and own responsibilities. I love you friend, come back again soon...

Tuesday is my first ultrasound, and I am eagerly awaiting my appointment. I have been feeling yesterday and today and wonder if its related to the extra B6 I've been taking in a new prenatal vitamin. I hope so, because its so much easier to eat and exercise when I don't feel nauseous! Plus, except for a few pairs of pants that I bought too big, no pants are comfortable on me. Supposedly its unusual to need new clothes this early, but tight pants and nausea don't go well together! And my dear friend that visited told me that work-out pants for the next 9 months was not an acceptable wardrobe, even if pregnancy seems like a decent excuse. : ( Maybe after Tuesday's appointment I'll need to go shopping. : )

Milestone

Today is the 6 week mark of my pregnancy. I am overjoyed at this milestone. Today I was thinking about how I feel like I've been pregnant so much longer than 6 weeks. I guess the Belly Blues does make time stretch out! We are so thankful for the blessing of this child and HAPPY! We still haven't told anyone yet. Well, I told one friend who I knew miscarried to get some encouragement and advice, which she provided en masse! Other than that, no one knows! Its our own little, happy secret, and I love it...
That does feel a little strange to say since I'm not into secrets and am horrible at keeping anything from my mother, but it is what it is! One of my dearest friends is coming to visit this weekend and I'm planning on telling her when she's here. Next Tuesday I have my ultrasound and then that weekend my parents will be here. We're planning on surprising them with the ultrasound video and I'll call my sister after getting the ultrasound done!
It's all so much fun, now if I can only concentrate as much on my research! Here's to hoping!

Happy Anniversary

Hubby and I went to the NC mountains this past weekend to celebrate our 5th anniversary. The drive was a bit long, but we had a great time. I had a lot of outdoor activities planned, but the weather, my Belly Blues, and an overactive bladder slowed us down. We enjoyed some beautiful drives through the gorgeous October-colored leaves and got to see the Linville Falls.

We stayed in a cute cabin at an old fashioned Motor Lodge. I liked having a front porch and trees outside, something different than a regular hotel. Hubby was just glad we weren't off in the woods so he didn't have to worry about "getting eaten by bears." Haha!

We enjoyed eating at the local restaurants. We had Thai one night and pizza another. The third day we wandered around downtown and ate snacks and more pizza. Overall, we were able to relax together and just hang out and be together.

Hubby really was wonderful and gave me the best present ever by telling me that he'd chose to marry me again and then got down on one knee and proposed his love again to me! What can I say? There's nothing I'd rather hear!

Being a mom-in-making did leave its mark on the trip. : ) Swinging violently between hungry, full, and nauseous, to racing for a bathroom to relieve my bladder was comical at times. Plus, I was pretty tired. Our first night I fell asleep while Hubby was watching TV, laying on the bed in the clothes I had been wearing all day. Hubby tried to "help" me sleep "properly", but I'd have none of it and stayed that way until morning! What sheer exhaustion can do!

Since we've been back the Belly Blues have gotten the best of me at times, although each day I'm figuring out how to manage a little better. Mornings are hard as I feel queasy and dizzy, so I try and take it easy. From the time I get out of bed until I get back in at night, I eat perpetually. From this alone I figure someone's going to figure out soon that I'm pregnant. And this advice about eating 6 small meals a day instead of 3 in order to feel better is baloney. The thought of eating a meal at all is more than I can handle. I just snack all day long. Saltines when I wake, yogurt and a granola bar gradually with more saltines, around lunch chicken salad on saltines, then an apple or pear and cup of noodles during the afternoon, probably another granola bar on the way home from campus, dinner eaten in stages over an hour or two, and something to snack on right before bed. I also have a drink with me all the time usually very watered down juice. Hopefully I'll get better at handling it as the days pass.

Belly Blues

I don't like misnomers, and "Morning Sickness" is definitely one, so I've decided to rename it Belly Blues. Maybe it will catch on. Well, I hadn't been feeling any Belly Blues or ickiness at all, until today. I woke up and got the feeling that I needed to eat right away, so I made a PB&J, the usual cereal didn't sound good. But, the first bit was bearable, the second, not so much. Its like the PB was too peanut buttery : \ and the jelly was too sweet. Plus my nose was being super sensitive and everything was a huge hassle; Hubby's wash cloth in the shower, something smelled funny outside, cigarette smell at the gas station. I was not in good shape. So, knowing that I needed to eat SOMETHING, I stopped at the gas station to find something quick on the way to class. 16 saltines and some Ruby Red Grapefruit juice later I was feeling better. Not perfect, but good enough to eat a big meal of BBQ for lunch.
Now its suppertime and I feel okay except I don't have much of an appetite. Hopefully the soup I picked out to eat will actually get eaten!

1st doctors visit

Yesterday was my first doctor's appointment. Mostly medical history and getting blood drawn. All my blood work came back without a problem. I also got this little bag of goodies, most of it was prenatal vitamins that I don't need. But, there was a very neat magazine with all kinds of pictures of the developing baby! Most fun was that my first ultrasound was scheduled for two weeks from today. I can't wait!
I had a cold this past weekend and that seems to be gone. But, I have been so exhausted the last few days. I've been going to bed really early, and then I don't sleep especially well, and then I'm tired all day long. It's beginning to look like a vicious cycle.
This Thursday Hubby and I are headed to NC to celebrate our 5th anniversary. I can't wait. Even if we only stay in the cabin and sleep, I'll be grateful for the rest! But, hopefully we'll get to do some hiking and see Asheville.
Meanwhile my major professor has returned from a month in Autralia and I'm supposed to have some answers on what my dissertation will look like. Except I only have some vague ideas and nothing especially exciting to tell him! : ( Hope our conversation goes well...

Surprise!!

I don't know about other women, but after being pregnant the first time, it would be really hard to miss those signs a second time. So, can you fathom my surprise when those signs returned 3 weeks after losing my first pregnancy? I really though I must be making it up, that I wanted it so badly that my brain was playing tricks on me. But, I'd been taking my Basal temps and the signs were there too. So, the day before "Aunt Flo" was due, I mentioned it to Hubby. He was watching TV and when I said, "Hey, I think there's a chance I'm pregnant again." He looked at me briefly said, "I'll believe it when I see the test," and turned back to the TV. Well, not exactly the response I hoped for. But, he did say that he'd be very happy and allowed me to express my nervousness.
You see I'd known for five days already that I was pregnant, the way some women just KNOW! Some part of me wanted to keep it completely to myself and tell no one. Maybe, the line in my head went, that will keep my baby safe and I won't lose another one. But, sanity got the best of me and I told him!
That afternoon I bought a test and it came up positive right away. Of course I knew it, but Hubby said " What? No way! How did this happen so soon?" We did a little happy dance together and thanked God for his blessings.
This time I haven't told anyone else yet and neither has Hubby. And I can't say why exactly. Part of me wants to wait until the end of the first trimester so they don't have to wonder if I'm going to miscarry again. Part me of my likes having a secret. Plus, I don't feel anxious this time! In fact, I feel so incredibly free and happy! Its been hard concentrating and I've been drawing smiley face doodles on my notes in class!
I feel great this time. Last time I had a little nauseousness that felt like butterflies in my stomach, I was permanently exhausted, every smell made my stomach turn, and everything I ate gave me indigestion. It's strange to think that two pregnancies so close together could be so different, but they are. This time, I have to make sure there's always food in my stomach and get extra rest and that's about it!

Background

I signed up for this blog the week after finding out we were pregnant with our first child. That was around Sept. 2nd this year, 2008. We'd been trying for several months and were anxious to finally become pregnant. When it finally did happened we were really happy. I was excited, but it all seemed rather surreal and I was more anxious/nervous than I thought I would be. I couldn't wait to tell my parents and our family. We told my parents over speakerphone two days later and then my sister and brother. Hubby also called his brothers in the US and UK and called Kenya to tell his mom and the rest of the family. Everyone was so happy for us.
Of course, we knew that pregnancy was precarious, especially in the fist few months, but how do you not share something like that. And how do you begin such a huge journey for the first time without the ones you love cheering you one?

Honestly, I felt melancholy. Maybe it was the anxiousness of being pregnant for the first time, wanting all my life to be a mom and it was finally here. But, from day 1 I felt like, "What if this is my last day with this baby?" "What if she/he's gone tomorrow?" I guess I felt scared that the worst might happen.

So when the worst began to happen two weeks after realizing I was pregnant, I freaked. I thought at the first that the bleeding might be nothing, but it didn't go away. There is such a feeling of helplessness. And I was SCARED! Scared to lose this child I loved, scared of where I would be able to handle it.

I called my sister crying. She had lost her second pregnancy in miscarriage. She tried to calm me down. I had been on-campus trying to sit at my desk and be productive while my mind was losing it. I remember saying to my sister, "I just don't know if I have the grace to handle this." I was really afraid that losing this child might make me angry at God and lose hope, that I would become so discouraged that my faith would crack. That scared me more than anything.

In the providence of God, I lost my pregnancy the next morning. It wasn't until it happened that I finally cried again. I had held it together through the night, when I knew it was imminent. I waited a very long hour for Hubby to come from work. I'll never forget the sadness on his face when I told him. I felt as if my body had betrayed me, as if I had become a traitor to myself. But, when I expressed my anguish to him, he lovingly reassured me of the truth and that the Enemy wanted to use those lies to discourage me. I found the strength to call my mom and tell her and she assured me that they would be there in a few hours to help.

Then I had to go to the doctor's for blood work. I knew I had miscarried, they didn't need to do it, but that's how it works. I took my paperwork to the Lab to get my blood drawn with the ugly diagnosis "Unspecified Spontaneous Abortion" written on it. The lab tech saw the form and asked me how I was, I couldn't even make eye contact as the tears rolled down my face. I wanted to look at her and scream "My child was taken from me, how should I feel?" But, she was so kind and hugged me as I wept.

I managed to call my sister and Hubby made all the other difficult phone calls. Thankfully my parents arrived that afternoon. I didn't realize that the physical pain had only yet begun. The next few days were very hard. I stayed mostly in bed and round the house. No one talks about the physical pain of miscarriage, especially when every pain reminds you of your loss.

But, Hubby was so strong, always my hero. He doesn't cry, but did share his emotion and anguish with me, which helped us both heal. he reassured me that this wasn't the end and the Lord cared for us in the midst of this.

The thing that surprised me the most, was how evident God's presence was through all of it. Yes, I was sad. Yes, I was in pain. But, He was there. The discouragement and anger I so feared never came, and when they tried to show their ugly head, by the grace of God, the truth was spoken and they had to flee.

A few days later I decided that I wanted a wind chime to remember our child by. Something musical and beautiful for the front porch that I love so much. After finding a beautiful one, the six of us hung it on the porch and had a remembrance. It was brief but Hubby prayed for us and praised God for who is, despite the circumstances. I was a very proud wife.

As the days went on the physical pain lessened and abated. The emotional pain eased. But, all of this has changed me. I can't say precisely how, but I feel the change. Maybe its a profound awareness of the fragility of life. And now I am able to think sweetly upon the child that would have been and await the day we meet in Heaven.